We're Back!

So I have been meaning to update this post for awhile now, since I'm a mom and that seems to be what moms do. But like most of my resolutions, it has taken awhile to get moving. Everyone talks about January 1st being a fresh start, but why not February 1st? So hello 2011.

I guess I should start out by saying that Jeff and I are proud parents of Lily Dorothy Baer. Surprised to hear this? Don't feel bad, I never sent you an announcement, and she was born in AUGUST. Did I mention that I can be a slow mover? Well, yesterday I was thinking about all of my many deficiencies and slowness. I felt bad that I hadn't started exercising, that I wasn't as crafty, creative, organized, spiritual, motherly, friendly, smart (the list went on and on) as so and so. I felt like I didn't have many friends, like I always mess things up that I get involved in, and was feeling very sensitive to any perceived criticism that I reflected on. In essence, I didn't have the spirit with me and was in a funk. I tried to be happy, especially when Lily smiled at me, but I would smile back at her through tears. I was not happy with myself and I felt like I was not progressing to be the person I wanted to be.

I thought I would keep my feelings to myself because I really don't like crying to people, and just be secretly sad all day, but Jeff could tell (as he always can) that I was down. I told him on his drive home all my frustrations and sadness and he listened. He offered encouraging words and shared his love. He also offered to give me a blessing when he came home.

It is a wonderful feeling to be so full of sorrow and then to feel the embrace of someone who loves you without reservation. That was what it was like when Jeff came home. He gave me a hug and loving words, and then a beautiful blessing. As he spoke, I talked with God as He, through Jeff, was talking to me. I felt like it was a conversation. I was reminded of several things. That I have been given many gifts and talents, and to express gratitude often for my blessings. That I have a love for others and a desire to serve them, which is good, but to not give up on those desires to communicate, invite or serve others, even when it feels like those efforts are in vain. To stop worrying about all that I think I can't do, that God has given everyone different gifts and that people have different desires. That I CAN be given the gifts and talents I desire, but not without work, effort, and PATIENCE. I need to be patient with myself. That NO GOOD can come from comparing myself to others, it is not of God. Belittling myself is not being humble. Being humble means I have confidence in the Lord and how he can help me be perfected, that I can do all things with his help. In order to have a friend, I need to be a friend. That I have family who loves me. So many good things to be reminded of. How wonderful that God speaks to us, that we can receive personal relevation and that we can speak to him. We can find comfort when we commune with him.

Another thing I happily reflected on during this evening was my love for my own family. As Jeff spoke on the phone he said how happy he is to come home to Lily and me. That there is no place he'd rather be than with us and how as long as we're together, we have a home. And not only does he want to be with us in this life, but in the life to come. As he said these words I felt the same way. That may sound obvious or expected, but to really feel happy to be with your spouse and child and want to be with them forever is a wonderful feeling, a powerful feeling. And I reflected on our engagement and all the doubts and hesitations I had about getting married. Would Jeff and I be compatible, was it the RIGHT thing to do? And the first year of marriage was hard, well at times it still is hard. You are getting used to each other and realizing you don't know your spouse as much as you thought you did, and you see each other's faults, as well as your own, magnified. But, I can say now, and I say it more and more every year, that Heavenly Father knew how perfect Jeff would be for me. He knew that he would become my best friend. That I would come to find out how he is the perfect match for me. What a blessing to be able to say that. And while we both are not perfect, we are happy together and are happy to go through life together. The point is that even when life seems hard and marriage and family seem challenging, it always gets better. So many things in my life were VERY hard at first and I wanted to give up. But without fail, whenever I have put my trust in God and stuck through something that I knew God wanted me to stick to, he has made it easier and then the jewel is when that thing becomes a blessing in my life.

So I think it's a neat thing that by my having a very challenging day yesterday, all these good thoughts, realizations, spiritual experiences came from coming out of that dark place to a happier place. Heavenly Father really can make positive things happen when we turn to Him.